Timehop reminded me today that it was a year since I was propositioned into soft S&M on a well known dating website. Let’s call it ‘Plenty more knobheads in the sea’ shall we.

“Would ya torture ma baws for £500…?”

For those of you that can’t understand chavvy slang either I think he was asking me to do something to his nether regions for some money. I declined. In hindsight I probably should’ve taken him up on the offer, that sort of money is not to be sniffed at and my ex did brand me a sociopath on more than one occasion (or was it a psychopath, I can’t remember). Maybe I’ve missed my calling in life.

I’ve come to the realisation that taking any sort of online dating with anything other than a pinch of salt is a mistake. Mostly people don’t message (or maybe that’s just me – I came across a blog this morning that was titled ’15 reasons why you should NEVER date a single mum’. The writer was American. And short. And bald. So sucks to be him). And if people do message then they’re normally, well, a bit weird.

Recently there have been “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you” Guy.  Alllrighty then….He was tall though. And had a beard. Such a waste.

There was “I bet you have an amazing pussy” Guy. Well actually, my pussy is a boy, he’s called Timber and he’s a bit needy. Oh, you didn’t meant that pussy…? My bad.

And actually my personal favorite from the last year has been Mr “I hope you like anal because it’s all I’m into” Guy. Well actually now you mention it, no. I don’t. Goddammit and we could’ve been so perfect together.

Of course I am sure there are some really lovely, genuine people on Knobheads R Us and Tinder etc etc. In fact a couple of couples I know have met online and are now married so it can work. They are just few are far between (or again maybe that’s just me). I don’t date a lot, don’t really have the time or inclination for it to be honest but out of the handful of dates I have had in recent times not one of them has been anything short of a disaster.

There was aubergine man. Not a euphemism. He actually brought me an aubergine. In a plastic carrier bag of all things, I mean god why are we still not together? Granted I should have just gotten back on the next train home but I didn’t  (I’m a sucker for tapas and cocktails). Firstly, he didn’t look like he had looked in his profile. He was short (5’10” ALWAYS means 5’8″), and he was a bit scrawny (I’m not wallflower, I don’t do skinny men). But I hadn’t been out in a while and was kinda hoping he would pay so decided to stick it out. We got so drunk that we missed the tapas table, and then he enquired as to where I was planning on spending the night. Now, I had my aubergine so technically that should’ve been a clue as to his intentions but he seemed genuinely pissed off when I said I was going to go home. We decided to split the bill (should’ve gone home after all). And then literally in a blink of an eye he was gone. Vanished. People actually do that! I thought it only happened in the movies. So not only was I handed an aubergine as a first date present, I was abandoned in the middle of town with a huge cocktail bill to pay. Incredulous doesn’t even come close. He then proceeded to text me for a week after (none of which I replied to) before he finally got the message and gave up, with a parting shot of ‘I was hoping for joint custody of the aubergine’.

Then there was ACDC man. Who was called Rob. Or Chris. It was weird, and I’m still not sure to his actual name. Again, his profile was very misleading. He looked like some sort of Viking rocker, blonde hair, tall, slightly rugged. No. No, he wasn’t. He was short (again with the 5’10” shit). Yes he had blonde hair but it hadn’t been washed for a while, and he turned up with an ACDC t-shirt on and his wallet attached to his jeans by a chain. Oh, and he was late. He also had some weird sort of skin condition going on that made me itchy and he had no chat. I have to admit that I ghosted him (sorry ACDC man I’m sure you’re alright really). He lasted two cocktails, then  I was on a train home.

Then, there was the one who lasted much longer than he should. Not like that either I may add. I am the self professed Queen of First Dates. If you haven’t bored me by midnight then I usually make enough reasons up as to why it won’t work and I end it. But somehow, this one managed to hang around for a bit. The very fact my friend pissed herself laughing when she found out we were dating should’ve been enough to dissuade me. It didn’t. Ladies take note – if you EVER find yourself having to drive YOURSELF to your SECOND DATE because he has ‘forgotten to leave work’ to come and get you, then end it. Do yourself a favour, learn from my mistakes and ghost that fucker.

So for me, well I’m out of the online dating ‘thing’. I was never really that into it anyway. But if you are still sure that the right guy is just one right swipe away then this is sort of what I took away from the whole hilarious thing. I hope it helps;

  1. Dont date what you don’t want. If you don’t want to date someone under 6ft then don’t reply to their message (or even send them one). Stick to what you want, and definitely what you don’t want. Always. You’re single, not desperate. You also don’t owe them anything. You’ve never met them, if you don’t reply they’ll get over it.
  2. Have fun. Hell, until I was left solo in a bar with an aubergine I was having a sort of ok night. Get your date to take you somewhere you’ve never been, or do something you’ve never done (not anal). Even if you don’t end up with this person it’s still an opportunity to have some fun. Don’t get so wrapped up in the process of ‘finding’ someone that you forget to appreciate the moment.
  3. Don’t expect anything. Because seriously, “Will you torture ma baws…” If someone offered you a day or a night out where you could have a (hopefully) decent conversation and a break from your normal boring Mon-Fri I’m sure you would take it. Because suddenly when you are only expecting a nice dinner and a couple of drinks with someone hopefully attractive and funny then it becomes a whole lot less scary doesn’t it? So relax. This is dating, not married at first sight.
  4. He’s probably not ‘the one’. And that’s ok. You’re not his one either. But so what? Again, have a nice time. Go to the cinema, flirt and eat all the popcorn. Enjoy it.

And lastly, do not settle for anything less than you deserve. If he’s not ticking your boxes then get rid. You deserve the best. Good enough is just not good enough.

PS – 5’10” ALWAYS means 5’8″

PPS – I don’t even like aubergines.

PPS – Reading back it *may* come across as if I hate short men. I don’t. Whatever. But as someone who is actually 5’10” I’m going to know if you’re lying.