Patience. It’s a virtue apparently. Not that I would know really, I am a very impatient person. I want things to happen right this very second and I like to know exactly how they will pan out and reap the benefits yesterday.
It’s taken me a while to appreciate that life doesn’t really work like that. In 2014 my life fell out from underneath me rather quickly and although that was my decision, the overwhelming sense of failure that came with it was somewhat unexpected. My ex (#3’s Dad. The other one is nice and normal – kudos to him) wasn’t a nice person. I could write and write and write about our ‘relationship’ and all the ins and outs and it still wouldn’t give it credit. The entire thing was vile and toxic and I came away feeling, well, in hindsight I came away feeling very very anxious and probably marginally depressed.
It has taken me until now, to rebuild my life and discover just what (and who) makes me tick, to look in the mirror and think ‘you actually have got this’. It took time, a handful of rock solid friends, and a shit load of prosecco.
I was thinking about this today, have been thinking about it on and off quite a lot recently in fact. Old feelings of anxiety and worry have resurfaced recently due to needless stressing over events that haven’t even transpired ironically but these feelings have been diminished by the fact that I can focus on the very real situation that things in 2016 are good. Not just good, but great. But it all took time.
First and foremost there are the girls. Those three little balls of infuriating energy are the axis on which my world rotates. That won’t change. Granted, there are days when I wish I was childless and living in the Med. There are days when they drive me to the brink of insanity and I wish them to bed so I can drink. It doesn’t make a bad parent. It makes me a good parent. Life falling apart is not a sign that I have failed them, or myself. It is a sign that by getting to where we are now, despite all of the shit, we have succeeded. Those girls are just…everything. They are small, and they are amazing, and they are my sole reason for being.
Then there are my friends. Now, I’m not really pals with anyone I went to school with and I dropped out of Uni (twice). So my friends are relatively ‘new’ in that sense, in fact my bestest friend in the entire world has only been around for about 7 years. We get drunk and fall asleep in hedges together and she tells me I look like I’m borderline ill when I’ve trained to much and we go on holiday together like a modern day Von Trapp family and I literally cannot imagine a world without her in it. Without a shadow of a doubt my friends are the best friends out there. It used to make me sad that I didn’t have ‘old’ pals. But now I couldn’t care less really. Being selective about who is in my life means that the people that are present know me. They know my story. And I know theirs. We are like each, we get it. I have a small, but amazing group of friends who I would walk through hell and back for.
Then there is work. When I was in p7 I played a journalist in my leavers play. I love writing and I have started (never finished) a couple of books (no patience). I’ve also always loved sport but it took me a while of skirting around things to realise where I want to be. And I’m getting there, slowly. I love my job. Granted it means early starts and sometimes long days but it makes me genuinely happy and I’m excited for what the future holds in that respect. 10 years ago I was working in pensions admin wondering what the hell I was going to do when I ‘grew up’. Good things take time…
And lastly, there’s the side of me that happens to love charging (ok ambling) around obstacle races most weekends. It has opened doors, to things and to people I wouldn’t have met otherwise and it is now an absolute permanent fixture in my life. I have written a couple of reviews that have gotten some attention (you can read them here and here) and that has brought with it a sense of achievement I haven’t felt in years. And the people, well…to be surrounded by a group like I have found myself in is somewhat incredible. I have never met a group of people who are more supportive than this lot. Everyone is proud of everyone. We all have similar goals, we are all smashing the shit out of stuff – together. At our helm is a guy who is nothing short of inspiring, and together we inspire each other. We have Ultra Runners, and OCR Winners, and athletes, and people doing marathons in Nepal, and next year we are traveling en masse to destroy Dirty Weekend (that’s right Rat Race, the Edinburgh Project Awesome warm-up Hakka is happening) and 10 months ago I didn’t know them. Funny how things just change for the better.
But everything that is great in 2016 took time. There were dark periods where I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. There were months where I wasn’t sure I would be able to pay my mortgage and wondered if I would ever work in a field I actually liked. There were months (and I mean months) of daily conversations about how I could possibly continue on in the relationship I was in forever, until I woke up one day and appreciated that life is too short to be unhappy and time is too precious to waste on someone who isn’t worth it, regardless of whether you made a child with them or not. And what also has become very apparent to me is that this ‘thing’ that us Brits have whereby we are strong and emotionless and ‘fine’ all the time is complete and utter horseshit.
No one is fine all the time. No one got through life not feeling down or overwhelmed or anxious or heartbroken or worse. Pretending that we are ‘fine’ all the time is actually doing ourselves a disservice. Everyone needs a little support sometimes and if we don’t vocalise that then we don’t get it. It is also important to remember that although it may feel like everything is going to shit, it is very rare that that is the case. It is probably quite likely that only one or two things are going to shit. And that’s ok. Find your anchor, whether it be your family, or your friends, racing, sewing, whatever. Find it and hold onto it and it will get you through. But don’t be afraid to ask for help if its get too much. because good things take time…but we all get there in the end.