Yesterday I cried at work. I’m not normally a ‘crier’ so I reckon at this point my colleagues all think I’m having some sort of ‘shit I hit 30’ crisis. I’m not, not this week anyway. I was just having an off day (and hormonally I’m a bit delicate just now).
I went home last night and I ate birthday cake, had some prosseco, bitched to my pals about some stuff and went to bed early. And it helped.
The truth is, some days life can feel like a bit of a kick in the nuts (or what I imagine that to feel like), and some days are a bit more lonely than others. The truth is, sometimes you just have a shit day.
Life can get busy, it can be overwhelming and I think for everyone it is easy to just automatically assume you are the only person that ever feels like this. Please believe me that we ALL feel like crying at work sometimes. We are all human, and it’s ok.
Because I was having a bad day it seeped into other aspects on my life. I was hurting on the inside and that meant I was slightly grumpier than I needed to be with my Mum, I was absent from my texts because I just couldn’t summon the energy to reply, I wasn’t very chirpy at work (see the bit about crying), and I was a bit shouty with my kids.
Today, because I am feeling much less hormonal and angry I can admit that I was a bit off my game yesterday. I can also admit it probably won’t be the last day I’m off my game either.
We all deal with so much, on top of our ‘normal’ lives. So much more than the monotony of school runs and ballet practice and housework. Theres the illnesses, the cancers, the divorces, the losses, it’s no wonder we have days where we just fall apart a little bit.
I’m the first one to admit that this motherhood malarky wasn’t what I anticipated it would be. I have lost my shit many many more times than I ever thought that I would, some I haven’t told anyone about, others have been witnessed first hand by people. After each and every instance I swear that I’ll ‘never have a bad day ever again’. And then I do, obviously because I am human and not a machine (a shark, but not a machine). But even though I wish I didn’t have days like yesterday, in a way I am grateful that I do. Because it is a chance to re-evaluate. A chance, to remind myself what is good in my life, and a chance to try and be better. And a chance to remind myself that its ok to not be able to do it all perfectly all of the time.
The bad days arise when we need a sharp reminder that this ‘life’ thing isn’t all sunshine and flowers. It’s a hard slog sometimes, for us all. It would be really easy to present the ‘bad days’ as evidence that we are shit at parenthood, shit at adulting. But it’s just not the case. They serve as days to help us learn, and to help remind us that we are in fact human.
All we can do is embrace the bad days and remind ourselves that they only last until bed time. Yes, my children have seen my lose my shit over a lost school shoe, my colleagues have seen me cry over the way someone has made me feel, and my mum has had to suffer my hormonal wrath because she was the only one in close proximity at the time. But they have also (hopefully anyway) heard me apologize for those things, and they have seen my learn from them – school shoes now live in the shoe rack for example.
The bad days suck there is no denying that. But they serve as a reminder that we are not perfect, they allow us to recognize that something has to give and we need to learn from that. And most importantly, they should remind us that no one is having an easy time on it. And we should all be a bit kinder to ourselves.
Having said that #3 said ‘for gods sake girls’ tonight as clear as day and then fell asleep on the stairs mid tantrum so maybe I should try and cut down on my ‘bad’ days just a little bit.