So today, I was meant to have ‘me time’. It was a special two and a half hours, highlighted in my diary and I had been looking forward to it for months. If you’re lucky enough to not have any kids then you will have heard of ‘me time’ but probably as an entirely different name – ‘getting a haircut’.

As it happened, my Mum wasn’t very well today (get well soon Mum) so ‘me time’ turned into ‘taking the demonic toddler to the hairdressers for a couple of hours’. Thankfully she wasn’t in an overly demonic mood so it all worked well. However, ‘getting a haircut’ is NOT ‘me time’. In fact, I don’t even like it. I hate sitting still, and I have a LOT of hair so it takes bloody ages.

So my ‘me time’ today looked a bit like this (see below) but it got me to thinking, how come as soon as you magically push a HUMAN out of your VAGINA (or deliver via the sun-roof, all hail those mammas, those c-sections HURT) standard ‘stuff’ suddenly gets re-named as ‘me time’??

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Now as much as my hair needed doing, (I think all the mud and sheep shit this year has sort of dyed it a funny colour), sitting in a chair staring at my own face for 2.5 hours is not my idea of fun. I couldn’t even work today because the demonic toddler took my laptop to watch youtube nursery rhymes playlists.

Nor is having a bath/shower ‘me time’. I hate baths too by the way, you’re basically just laying in your own filthy water doing fuck all, waiting to get out again. What’s the point? I’m definitely a shower girl, but again, it’s not a ‘treat’. Personal hygiene is not ‘me time’. I’ve actually found It’s a necessity if you want to keep your pals and get a shag every now and again.

Normal daily needs are also not ‘me time’. It does not suddenly become a luxury to go to the toilet on your own just because you have kids. As far as I’m aware, having a poo is still having a poo whether you have 8 kids or none.

Also, the last thing I want as a single parent is ‘me time’. Why on earth would I want to spend time alone? My life is boring. I work, I study, I train (ok I actually really REALLY like this bit of my life), I shout at my kids, and I sleep. Fuck ‘me time’, give me ‘socialising with friends, preferable with more than one bottle of prosecco time’ any day of the week.

But as soon as you push that baby out of your vagina, ‘me time’ becomes obsolete. Don’t even think about going to the supermarket alone for milk. That’s now classed as ‘me time’. And it comes out of your 17 minutes per day allowance. Use it wisely.

“Can you just watch the kids while I brush my teeth”?! Are you serious?! How come things you just did when you were child free with a nice tight fanny suddenly become luxuries once they arrive? When you are young (or not as young) without children everything you do is ‘me time’, You don’t have to worry about anyone else or having to schedule in shaving your legs between the time you drink your first cup of coffee (me time) and the kids waking up. You are free, and young and allowed to make stupid decisions which may or may not result in you being left alone in a bar with an aubergine (or maybe that’s just me).

Days like this do not happen once you become a parent. As soon as you inherit that title someone else is left to make the silly decisions and shave their legs in peace.

But with the lack of ‘me time’ comes all the ‘parenting time’ and that isn’t something I would every change. I can’t imagine my life without any of my girls. I like the days when I have just one of them, I like the days when I have just two of them, but the days I like best are the ones where we all cuddle in together and watch Harry Potter and eat pizza. All four of us. And I wouldn’t trade those days for anything.

So you can take your ‘me time’ and put it in the same place as I put all the ‘keepsakes’ the girls bring home from school – the bin. Being a parent doesn’t mean we are less inclined to go to the hairdressers or the pub, and we should stop treating these things as ‘treats’.