Today has been a weird one. I ran this morning, spent this afternoon in the hospital with Jess, and a lot of time recalling everything that we have been through since that day way back in March 2014.
Firstly, the run. It was the ‘Big Fun Run’ in Edinburgh today. A 5Km route (that was actually 6km) around Arthurs Seat. I’ve undertaken this route a lot this year, but I am probably at my fittest just now and I was intrigued to see how my legs would fair on the incline. Speed wise I actually managed ok, with average min miles of 8:57min/mile, and the hill part wasn’t all that awful, but I struggled with my breathing and my thoughts. I got a stitch, the toddler was at the bottom of the hill with my Mum screaming with earache, and by the time I started I could’ve just sacked it off completely. Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. And today I didn’t think I could. It was a very strange run, although an absolutely beautiful one. I always always love running this route, and you can definitely tell the temperate is turning, it was crisp but sunny and just stunning.
I didn’t sack it off, obviously. After a gentle reminder from my running companion that it wasn’t about the time, or the positioning, it was just about the big picture, I knuckled down and got it done. But I was distracted. Jess is really poorly at the minute and it was hard knowing I would have to finish and go straight to the hospital.
Thankfully, the wonder that is the NHS came through for us again and we now have a solid plan in place for how we are going to tackle her recurrent infections. That and 8 weeks worth of antibiotics has left me feeling slightly happier that we might just reach the end of the tunnel soon.
Now, hospital visits are hard for me, and I struggle with them more than I let on. While we were waiting today a baby was having his initial consultation and his SAT monitor kept going off. Now it’t just a beep. And through experience and the fact he was crying and pulling the tape off his hand I knew he was ok. Babies with SATS in the 60s don’t tend to be that active, but it really shook me. In fact I went to the toilet not long after and I was sick. The noise just threw me back 2.5 years to a time where I couldn’t sleep without hearing it beeping in my ears. And then of course it was inevitable that I would start talking about it.
“Mum, do you remember when she had her hernia op and the consultant showed us her ovary on the screen”
“Do you remember that day her SATS dropped to 14 and every SHIT themselves”.
Even on the way home, “Look there’s that pub you went into to pee on the way to hospital and I thought you’d given birth in the cubicle”
“Remember when I spoke to that policeman high on morphine, wearing Doug’s superman PJs and just kept complimenting his arms”. I know, true story.
The fact is, it was a trauma. The whole thing was one long, unpredictable, positively amazing trauma. And the only way to get over trauma is to talk about it. Now she is 2 and ‘healthy’ I figure I should get over it, stop talking about it. But the truth is, it is seared into us both so deeply that to stop talking about it and to try and forget it would be the wrong thing to do. The photo up there is Jess at 3 days old. It’s not easy to look at, but it represents EVERYTHING about why I am doing what I am doing this year. She’s pretty damn amazing really.
#30for30 wouldn’t even be a thing if Jess hadn’t arrive so abruptly and been such a miracle. Had she been born all pink and bouncy at 40 weeks then actually this year wouldn’t of happened and I actually can’t even fathom what life would be like had things ‘gone to plan’.
So today has taught me three things;
- I can run up Arthurs Seat without stopping.
- My toddler is by far the sole reason I am where I am today
- You are NEVER as broken as you think you are. Sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories.
But then again, all great heroes do.
So, event #26 is done, only 4 more to go. I have someone how managed to schedule my 30th event for the 30th of this month so that’s quite cool. Not long to go now.
Oh, please sponsor me. The link is below 🙂