Life’s pretty good when things are going well huh…
When you’re happy and things are just ticking along, sailing on a calm sea.
And then come the tsunami waves that require you to give yourself a massive big shake and reroute your course.
Normally I’m very good at giving myself a shake when things get a bit wobbly. If I’m having a ‘fat’ day or the girls are testing my incredibly short fuse or life just gets a bit too much sometimes. I can normally just remind myself that I’m pretty badass, I’ll eat some chocolate get an early night and when I wake up the sea is calm again.
Recently things have been a bit well…wobbly.
When something or someone comes along that really knocks your confidence and your self esteem it can take more than just giving yourself a good shake to right the ship again.
Two things have happened in recent months that have me wondering what on earth I’m doing and even at times questioning who I am as a person.
I’ve been diagnosed with a hormone imbalance, caused by being sterilised so young after #3 was born. At the time I made a personal and medical decision based on three things;
- I don’t want anymore children.
- I don’t want to ever have to even think ‘oh god maybe I’m pregnant’ again
- I don’t want to roll the premature baby dice for a fourth time and lose.
Except ever since my sterilisation I have been plagued with increasingly irritating physical and emotional symptoms that have impacted massively on my confidence and self belief. Thankfully, we’re embarking on a plan that will hopefully minimise the symptoms and reverse some of the damage (mostly a whole bucket of weight gain) that has been caused so far.
The second thing? That’s a bit harder. People can be cruel at times huh? Remember that saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” It’s bullshit. Something like this “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words are ghosts that haunt me” seems much more apt.
People who are manipulative and cruel without reason can change the way you view yourself without you even realising. They manipulate in a way that becomes so normal that you begin to question who you are. Ten months ago I worried less about things, I worried less about what people thought of me, I was ok. I was so confident that I had survived my journey so far that nothing could come along and derail me from my path. And I was wrong.
Someone did come along and derail me. Really quietly, really subtly. And ten months later I’m questioning what I did wrong in order to draw out this sort of treatment.
In short, I did nothing. It’s not me, it’s them. They have such difficulty with the fact that I don’t fit into their ‘box’ that they tried to make me fit, and when I didn’t squeeze myself into it, well they fired insult after insult and every name under the sun at me in an attempt to make me think it was me. And it worked. Here we are on 16th March 2017 with confidence and self belief in the toilet.
So it’s time to rebuild. Time to wipe the slate partially clean, because we cannot ever forget the things that mould us, and just let time do it’s thing.
And it’ll be ok, I’ll be ok. The hormones will rebalance and the words that caused so much pain will fade and things will level out. It might not be tomorrow, it might not be next week. But it will happen. I have achieved many great things; my girls, my career, my hundreds of miles to raise money for charity, all these things are what mould me into me. More than the bad shit. I have goals and aspirations for this year and they won’t be derailed by hormones or the fact someone thinks I’m a c***.
These things have been a hiccup on the road and it’ll just take time to get back on track again.
If you’re wondering if it’s ‘you’ I can almost guarantee it’s not. Take your mind back to what really makes you, before all the bad shit happened that tried to mould you into someone different. That person is still there, she’s maybe just a little bit lost. Give yourself some time and she’ll be back.
You don’t need to save yourself. Time will do it for you. You just have to give yourself a massive break and let it…