I know you’re busy and that I’m really late in writing but I was just wondering if there’s still time to consider my Christmas wish.
I’ve thought about writing lots of times and then always decide against it, for my wish is really quite honest you see.
I love my life. I love my girls and they being me a lot of happiness. I know we’re very lucky to have the life that we do and to experience all the things we get to experience. I hope when they’re older they’ll look back and have happy memories of their childhood.
I love my friends and my job and some days I even like uni. All of these things make me feel alive and fulfilled and happy.
But can I just say; some days it’s really lonely. Some days it’s so lonely it makes me cry.
I always say to my friends “you’re never alone”. And I really mean it. I would never want my friends or anyone to feel so alone that it caused them pain. But just as I know they feel the same for me, I know it’s just not possible all the time.
I know that everyone feels lonely sometimes.
It’s mental isn’t it, that in a world where we’re so connected all the time, where if you call someone and they don’t answer you can just WhatsApp them or call them on messenger or email them or whatever. By a rough count I have 8 different apps to keep me in contact with people on my phone just now.
So when I was lying in bed last night, after a really lovely day with my kids (if you count scraping nits out of a 3 year olds head lovely), I was really annoyed with myself for even thinking that im lonely.
But I am.
Not all the time. Usually when I start to feel it I generate something else for me to do so I don’t have to think about it. It’s my way of ignoring the fact I have a hole in my life I haven’t filled yet.
But some days I just can’t shake the feeling that when you strip my life back, I’m alone. Alone and lonely. Look at me, full of Christmas cheer eh.
Now I have all my excuses lined up as to why I’m feeling like this; I’m hormonal. I’m tired. I’m single. I had two beers last night so I’m probably hungover. And they’re probably all contributing in some way, but it still doesn’t completely eradicate the feeling of being alone.
And it sucks. I really hate it and I’m really annoyed that I even feel it. It’s ridiculous after all, I’m surrounded by people all the time, every day. But I also don’t think I’m the only one. I think everyone feels it sometimes regardless of marital status or parental status or job position. There are days when I reckon the entire world gets into bed at night and thinks ‘god I’m lonely’.
I am a firm believer that life, and all the things in it are better shared with someone. Massively so. Because what’s the point in having everything if you don’t have someone at the other end of the sofa asking how your day was?
It makes me really quite sad that loneliness exists.
I wish it didnt. That’s my Christmas wish. I know, it’s a tall ask.
But if you can’t take away the loneliness, maybe you could take away the feeling of needing to hide it. Maybe you could make it easier for people to say “I’m feeling a bit alone today”.
And to know that that’s ok, because they’re not alone.